Save Your Marriage - Even After Infidelity

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When an affair is discovered, both partners are crushed emotionally.  One spouse might feel shame and embarrassment and profound regret.  The other spouse will feel betrayed, hurt, and embarrassed as well.  There will be a lot of questions for both of them to answer - although the cheater definitely has a lot more to answer (and answer for).

The marriage can still be saved, in spite of the infidelity, but it's going to take a lot of work, perhaps some counseling, and perhaps a bit of luck as well.  There are cases where the marriage has ended up stronger than before, but those are few and far between, the best to hope for is to salvage what remains, and to rebuild it as strong as possible. 

The first step is to make absolutely sure the affair is over.  Ending an affair is discussed in depth in other articles, the main point to take from this is to make absolutely sure that it's over.  No ifs ands or buts, it must absolutely be over.  Only then can the rest of the steps take place.

The next step is to understand why someone would have an affair in the first place.  Typically there are different reasons for men and women, and while each relationship is different, these reasons are pretty consistent across most relationships.

What men want most in a relationship is, most simply put, admiration.  They want to feel respected, wanted, and admired by their wife.  If she's constantly belittling him, or nagging at him, or complaining, he grows to feel that she doesn't respect him - that he's not good enough.  He's going to seek that respect, admiration, etc, elsewhere.

Women, on the other hand, mainly want to feel appreciated.  They like the little things - frequent praise, frequent affirmation of their husband's love, etc.  If they don't feel appreciated, if they aren't constantly being reminded of how important they are, they will seek that feeling elsewhere.

Now, I realize these are broad generalizations, but in the end, that's what the majority of these issues are.  Some men interpret it more as a high libido, and perhaps there are sexual problems as well, but in the end that's what it boils down to.  Men want to be admired, women want to be appreciated.

Once both spouses understand that, they can each realize their part in the infidelity.  I'm not here to say that the cheater isn't at fault - that's not my point at all.  What I'm saying is that in a perfect (or at least a really solid one) marriage, cheating doesn't occur.

Once that's understood, both spouses need to look at what has to happen to salvage the relationship.  First off, is it worth salvaging?  That question can be answered better elsewhere, for the sake of brevity I can't go into that entire discussion here.  The gist is that both partners must figure out if the relationship can be salvaged - and if it should.

If it should be salvaged, then both partners must start to look at their behavior.  Not just the cheater, because in this case, if they try to shower the other spouse with attention, it's actually going to backfire.  The more they try, the more the other will withdraw.  It's human nature - we never want what we have, or what's trying to latch onto us, we want what we can't have.

Part of that step is avoiding negativity.  Neither partner should become defensive, arguing should be avoided.  Don't focus on the 'big relationship talks,' focus on the little things.  Even a healthy relationship can be doomed quickly if the main subject matter is the 'important stuff.'  This doesn't sound right, but it is. 

As much of the rest of this advice, the right thing to do is actually counter-intuitive.  If you think about it, if the right thing wasn't counter-intuitive, so many marriages wouldn't end in divorce.  If what everyone 'thought' was right really was, there would be a lot more happy relationships and a lot fewer breakups.

A final step to consider is to seek counseling.  A therapist may or may not be the answer, but if professional help isn't sought, the partners must at the very least educate themselves as much as possible.  What their friends or family, or what even they themselves think they know isn't going to be right.  They need to look outside and get some real education or counseling if they want to get through this. 

I realize that some of this is very blunt, or at the least it's assuming certain generalizations.  As mentioned, a lot of this goes against what most of us believe, and that's why it's vitally important that people actually going through this situation need to get educated, or seek professional help.

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